After a few published articles in a small (but national) magazine, www.wittenburgdoor.com – the only religious satire magazine that I know of, I have tried to tackle the organization of Scientology multiple times. But whenever my fingers start tapping on my old PowerBook with a missing shift key, I blank out. I cannot seem to satirize them for the same reason that I struggle to make fun of people like Pat Robertson: Where do you start? He makes himself look more ridiculous than even the best humorists.

I could link to xenutv.com and then laugh heartily at goofy scientologists trying to intimidate people. Documentaries accessible through video.google.com expose shady dealings and illegal financial gymnastics. But that’s not satire.

Perhaps most importantly, I could point out that if you go to scientology.org you will see just how ugly L. Ron Hubbard was. I mean, wow. It looks like Michael Jackson vomited up a pair of rabid hyenas, who then produced offspring that mutated into a man.

But that isn’t satire. It takes no work or creativity, because they essentially make fun of themselves. Since that is the situation, I will let them shoot their own selves in the foot. Note that from here on out my words are in bold. Starting……NOW!

From Scientology.org:

[On the name, Scientology] It comes from the Latin word “scio” meaning “knowing
in the fullest sense of the word” and the Greek word
“logos” meaning “study of.”

Not quite. I don’t know Latin, but I do know Attic and Koine Greek. Logos means “word” in it’s most basic usage. At best, it means “knowledge” in an idiomatic sense. Am I being overly picky? Yes. Am I being an ass? Yes. Why? to make you laugh. And then cry because an organization like this exists.

Fun fact: I once had this brilliant idea to fact check the various citations made by Scientology or its representative groups but ended up being so frustrated I had to stop. High Blood pressure runs in my family, after all. The reason I stopped: I couldn’t find a single fact that actually checked out.
    It leads me to believe that Scientology is actually Latin-Greek-made-up-hybrid-language for “make random facts up.” This would be even more ridiculous, because, as you can see, that sentence ends with a preposition. Shameful.

Another Fun Fact: Their precious e-meter is really a device similar to a galvanometer.
    This means it is very easy to beat their stress tests. Try it some time by either squeezing the handles a little bit when they  calibrate it, or concentrate on not moving your hands.
    When I beat the stress test, I had recently begun fighting Leukemia. Was I stressed? More than ever before. I guess Hubbard’s meter can only detect fake stress.

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Within the cluttered attic of my memory, I recall briefly staying awake during a history class in high school. The teacher mentioned the farewell address given by George Washington when he stepped down from his office, and I thought that it might be fun to read it in light of the current political situation.

Ok, yeah. I had a decent idea of what Washington said, but when I read it, I became truly terrified.

Ol’ Georgy, in his address, managed to SPECIFICALLY and LITERALLY warn us about the neo-con group that has hijacked our country. I can’t quite explain it; the guy must have been a prophet.

…that the free constitution, which is the work of your hands, may be sacredly maintained

How could anyone disagree with that? Of course, the trick is to convince yourself that you hold the Constitution sacred. Then you can justify anything. *ahem* Cheney.

On how to influence other nations:

…under the auspices of liberty, may be made complete, by so careful a preservation and so prudent a use of this blessing, as will acquire to them the glory of recommending it to the applause, the affection, and adoption of every nation, which is yet a stranger to it.

…for it is a main pillar in the edifice of your real independence, the support of your tranquillity at home, your peace abroad; of your safety; of your prosperity; of that very Liberty, which you so highly prize.

I seem to remember Ron Paul championing this type of thinking. Something about minding our own business, setting a good example… I don’t know. Perhaps it was just a minor point…(ha!)

The next is on unity within the nation, even though we may differ in many ways. Washington emphasizes this in terms of geographic differences (ie, the Civil War), but I think ideology fits into the spirit of his ideas:

…and indignantly frowning upon the first dawning of every attempt to alienate any portion of our country from the rest, or to enfeeble the sacred ties which now link together the various parts.

But the Constitution… till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole people, is sacredly obligatory upon all.

Mr. Bush, are you listening..er..reading? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

This next quote floored me, as his intuitive understanding of politics and people predicted a profound problem within our country today. Seriously, it is chilling:

They serve to organize faction, to give it an artificial and extraordinary force; to put, in the place of the delegated will of the nation, the will of a party, often a small but artful and enterprising minority of the community; and, according to the alternate triumphs of different parties, to make the public administration the mirror of the ill-concerted and incongruous projects of faction, rather than the organ of consistent and wholesome plans digested by common counsels, and modified by mutual interests.

I mean, he might as well have said, “Hey, when this group of neo-cons start getting uppity, deport them. Fast. Or hit them with a shovel. Then deport them… and then hit them again.”

He goes on:

…to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people, and to usurp for themselves the reins of government; destroying afterwards the very engines, which have lifted them to unjust dominion.

Washington starts to become creepy here. Like, Nostradamus-style creepy:

It opens the door to foreign influence and corruption, which find a facilitated access to the government itself through the channels of party passions. Thus the policy and the will of one country are subjected to the policy and will of another.

So, Mr. Washington, you’re saying that these power-grabbing minority groups that seek to gain tremendous power over the government and the people may end up dragging the U.S. into needless foreign affairs?

Oh dear, that’s terrifying. Good thing that this is just a warning and therefore remains only theoretical…

Tell me what you think about government spending and debt:

As a very important source of strength and security, cherish public credit. One method of preserving it is, to use it as sparingly as possible; avoiding occasions of expense by cultivating peace, but remembering also that timely disbursements to prepare for danger frequently prevent much greater disbursements to repel it; avoiding likewise the accumulation of debt, not only by shunning occasions of expense, but by vigorous exertions in time of peace to discharge the debts, which unavoidable wars may have occasioned, not ungenerously throwing upon posterity the burthen, which we ourselves ought to bear.

Ok, Mr. Washington, so illegally going to war for reasons you say are dangerous and thus subjecting the citizens and their descendants to debts reaching potentially trillions of dollars would possibly upset you?

Hypothetically, should we make a point to support a nation in a volatile region of the world?

Observe good faith and justice towards all Nations; cultivate peace and harmony with all.

Great. Because there’s this country called Israel….oh, you have more to say:

The Nation, which indulges towards another an habitual hatred, or an habitual fondness, is in some degree a slave. It is a slave to its animosity or to its affection, either of which is sufficient to lead it astray from its duty and its interest.

Sympathy for the favorite Nation, facilitating the illusion of an imaginary common interest, in cases where no real common interest exists, and infusing into one the enmities of the other, betrays the former into a participation in the quarrels and wars of the latter, without adequate inducement or justification.

…since history and experience prove, that foreign influence is one of the most baneful foes of Republican Government.

Damn.

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I was prepping a Macbook for deployment, when I realized that something didn’t seem right. It took me a few minutes to actually see it, as I am very slightly dyslexic:

It works just fine, of course….

The last 4 were taken by a friend of a friend at Pepperdine University. The others were taken by a family with whom I grew up. Obviously, the fires were way too close for comfort. Considering I have many friends and most of my family out there, the more awareness, the better…

I like Ron Paul.

I respect his consistency, experience, concern for the country, and most of his convictions. The idea that the federal government should be small, leaving most of the power to the states and individual citizens, is really the intention of the Constitution and our Founding Fathers. I want Ron Paul to be my president.

However, I have two concerns about putting him in the White House that have been tugging at my conscience since I first saw him on The Daily Show. The first is a statement, and the second is more of a question to Dr. Paul. And yes, I realize that he is way too busy to address the questions of no-name bloggers. That is a good thing, because it means that he is out there fighting against media bias.

1. The government, especially the Executive Branch, reminds me of what you get when you drop a bunch of spoiled children off at a daycare with no one to watch them, and tell them that 3 pieces of candy are hidden somewhere in the room: screaming, crying, greedy, and willing to do anything so their fat little stomachs get one more treat. They have used the Constitution to wipe the vomit off of their faces after gorging themselves in astounding gluttonous fashion. And their friends get a seat at their giant table also, completely without the ethical oversight one might expect from a system that is supposed to be run with checks and balances.
My conscience nags me because of something my mother taught me when I was young. Growing up, my brother and I trashed the house on an hourly basis. Yet, in her meanness, she made us clean it up. After I got married, I decided to learn how to brew beer. It worked, but when I heated and mixed the wort, I managed to create a thick layer of burnt malt all over the stove. Then in the bottling process I spilled the mostly fermented beer all over the kitchen floor in an awful sticky mess. Had I not cleaned up my own mess, she would have beaten me to death with our cat.
My point is obvious. I cannot imagine why Dr. Paul would want to clean up this horrendous train-wreck of a mess, but since he volunteers to, I feel awful. I’ll still vote for him and promote as much as I can. But wow. He must mean business if he wants to clean up years of illegal politicking.

2. This question is directed at Ron Paul, though realistically it is more to ponder. He’s a busy guy.
Dr. Paul, I think that you are needed as president because our government is spiraling out of control in a way that historically leads to horrible things. What the hell do we do if you aren’t elected?